


X-Treme Baseball! It’s like regular baseball but with thermonuclear detonation

by MadameMare



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Team Bonding, a fanfic for horrible people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 23:16:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3096200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadameMare/pseuds/MadameMare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With May and Coulson away, the team has some downtime that turns into game night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	X-Treme Baseball! It’s like regular baseball but with thermonuclear detonation

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t have a good reason for this fics existence, except who wouldn't want to see the team play Cards Against Humanity. Although I would want Mama May and Papa Coulson in on it because just imagine the added embarrassment.

XXXX  
  
“T minus five minutes til game night!” Skye burst into Fitz’s bunk without knocking and immediately turned around covering her eyes, “Get a room you two!”  
  
“Uh, we kind of did,” Fitz blushed as Jemma rolled off of him, smoothing out her shirt.  
  
“Four minutes now. Be there and be decent!” Skye stuck her tongue out at them before retreating to gather the rest of the team.  
  
“Honestly, she has the worst timing,” Jemma sighed, thinking about all the times that Skye had inadvertently interrupted them while leaning down to pull her boots back on.  
  
“You’re cute when you pout,” Fitz planted a kiss on the corner of her mouth.  
  
“Shut up,” she groused before breaking into a smile and pecking him back.  
  
Fitz snaked his arms around her waist and pulled her back against him again.  
  
“FitzSimmons!” Skye’s voice bellowed from down the hall.  
  
“Ugh,” Jemma moaned.  
  
“Worse. Timing. Ever.”  
  
  
XXXX  
  
  
  
“Wait a minute,” Skye mumbled as she began to pull out the deck, “did you nerds get your hands on this?” she questioned as she held up some printed out cards.  
  
“I beg your pardon,”  
  
“Excuse you,” Fitz and Simmons cried out in indignant unison.  
  
“I mean really,”  
  
“Rude, is what you are,”  
  
“And why do you automatically assume,”  
  
“Well, you know what they say about assuming,” they continued on, oblivious to their teammates smirks.  
  
“Hey Frick and Frack, time out!” Skye waved her arms to get their attention. “First of all,” she leveled a mock glare in Fitz’s direction, “I am perfectly aware of what they say about assuming, however in this case, its more of an educated guess than an assumption. And second of all,” she raised her voice slightly, seeing FitzSimmons about ready to argue with her again, “a Doctor Who expansion pack? I mean really, who else would it have been?”  
  
“It could have been May,” Fitz grumbled out without thinking.  
  
“Yeah, or Coulson,” Simmons tried and failed to come to his rescue.  
  
“Riiight…” Skye drawled.  
  
“Hey, are we playing or arguing?” Lance plopped down on the couch after depositing a few six packs on the table.  
  
“Are you really going to lecture others about arguing?” Bobbi questioned, cracking open a beer and sitting next to him.  
  
“Says the woman who just started an argument,” Hunter mumbled.  
  
“Really?” Skye raised her eyebrows at the divorced couple.  
  
“Sorry,” Bobbi apologized, clinking her beer against Lance’s in a truce.  
  
 “I swear it’s like I’m a marriage counselor sometimes,” Skye mumbled as began to pass out white cards.  
  
“Better not let them hear you say that,” Trip nudged her side.  
  
“Good point,” she agreed, “now we are just waiting on ah, there he is!” she exclaimed as Mack entered the lounge area.  
  
Mack collected his cards, grabbed a beer and settled himself on the last remaining chair that circled the table.  
  
“Ok, lets start clockwise from Simmons,” Skye shoved the deck of black cards in her direction.  
  
“Very well,” Simmons agreed and plucked up a card. “Why am I sticky?” she read from the card and waiting for everyone to place their white cards down in a pile before gathering them up. She quickly shuffled them before reading them off.  
  
“A ball of earwax, semen, and toenail clippings,” she wrinkled her nose in disgust before continuing to the next card, “A gentle caress of the inner thigh. Surprise sex! Stephen Hawking talking dirty. When you fart and a little bit comes out. Lactation.” She sifted through the cards again pondering her choices, “I have to go with a gentle caress of the inner thigh,” she announced.  
  
“Yes!” Fitz pumped his arm in victory as Simmons handed him the black card.  
  
“Nice one Mate,” Lance tipped his beer in Fitz’s direction.  
  
“Eww, FitzSimmons is gross,” Skye launched a pretzel in their direction.  
  
“It’s not my fault I know what,” Fitz was abruptly cut off with a painful yelp as Jemma pinched his side. “You know what, never mind,” he quickly gulped down some of his beer and grabbed a black card. “What’s the next Happy Meal toy?”  
  
Six cards were quickly tossed in his direction. “Ok, used panties. Cards Against Humanity. A sonic screwdriver stuck on the vibrate setting. A fleshlight . AIDS. And edible underpants. Nice theme going on, but a sonic screwdriver is the clear winner here.”  
  
Groans went around the group as they all knew who had played that card.  
  
“Cheating McCheatersons,” Lance grumped as he grabbed a card to read.  
  
“I told you all it’s like they are psychically linked,” Skye informed them.  
  
“In 1,000 years, when paper money is a distant memory, how will we pay for goods and services?” Lance read and waited for the team.  
  
“Domino’s Oreo dessert pizza. My collection of high-tech sex toys. 8 ounces of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin. Pretending to care. A cooler full of organs. And, tentacle porn. Oi, so many winners to choose from but I think a cooler full of organs would be my preferred payment.”  
  
“I’ll take that, thank you very much,” Bobbi grabbed the card with a smirk.  
  
“What is this? Couples tag team night?” Mack joked as everyone reached for white cards to refill their hand.  
  
“It’s looking that way,” Trip agreed.  
  
“Says the man who isn't the odd man out,” Mack gave him and Skye a sideways glance, cracking a grin when both Trip and Skye suddenly appeared very interested in their cards.  
  
“When I was tripping on acid, blank turned into blank,” Bobbi read off and waited for the team to place their cards down.  
  
“Gandhi turned into Keanu Reeves. A Middle-aged man on roller skates turned into a zesty breakfast burrito. Wiping her butt turned into hope. Cuddling turned into companion porn. Some God-damn peace and quiet turned into masturbation. And drinking alone turned into passive-aggressive Post-it notes,” Bobbi read over her choices. “Some God damn peace and quiet it is.”  
  
“Winner winner chicken dinner!” Skye exclaimed as she claimed her card.  
  
“Now who is being gross?” Fitz nudged Simmons.  
  
“Mmmm, stay away from her bunk when it’s quiet,” she agreed.  
  
“Moving right along,” Skye glared at the science duo, urging Trip to pick a card.  
  
“I hear the next thing that is going to cause The Doctor to regenerate is blank?” he read.  
  
Cards quickly flew in his direction. “Penis envy. Court ordered rehab. Testicular torsion. Surprise buttsex!, The Westboro Baptist Church. A fez caked with semen. Well, from what little I know about Doctor Who,” he raised his beer bottle in FitzSimmons direction, “A fez caked in semen fits too well to not declare it the winner.”  
  
Fitz picked up his black card with a smug smirk as Jemma looked at him adoringly.   
  
“Gross,” Skye playfully coughed into her hand before choosing a black card from the deck. “During sex I like to think about? Oh boy, this should be good.”  
  
Skye shuffled the cards once they were all handed in and began to read. “Science,” Skye raised her eyebrows, “File that one under TMI,”  
  
“It was one time!” Simmons squeaked out.  
  
“Jemma,” Fitz moaned, “you’re not supposed to give away your card.”  
  
“It could have been yours. And I don’t recall you complaining about it at the time.”  
  
“The milkman,” Skye read loudly over their bickering.  “Wifely duties. Three dicks at the same time. Dick fingers. Breaking out into song and dance. You know, ordinarily I would chose another one, but just to give you dorks a hard time I gotta go with science.”  
  
Jemma picked up her card with a blush and added it to her other one before settling back into Fitz’s side.  
  
Mack shook his head at the younger agents antics and pulled the next card, “What is a girls best friend?”  
  
Skye snickered, adding the last card to the pile.  
  
“A defective condom. Daddy issues. Not reciprocating oral sex. My black ass. Sexting. Being rich,” Mack read. “I mean, do you guys even have to wonder what I am going to pick?” he grinned and held up the ‘my black ass’ card.  
  
“Alright!” Trip exclaimed, claiming his card.  
  
“My man!” Mack clanked his nearly empty bottle against Trip’s before finishing it.  
  
Another six pack was passed around the table while Jemma read the next card, “I never truly understood blank until I encountered blank.”  
  
As the cards slowly came in, Jemma occupied herself with tracing chemical formulas onto Fitz’s thigh. Bobbi placed the last set of cards down and Jemma presented them to the group, “I never truly understood fear itself until I encountered Lady Gaga. I never truly understood The Big Bang until I encountered the clitoris. I never truly understood the folly of man until I encountered the gays. I never truly understood sexy pillow fights until I encountered chunks of dead hitchhikers. I never truly understood penis breath until I discovered man meat,” she wrinkled her nose. “And finally, I never truly understood this years mass shooting until I encountered Asians who aren’t good at math. Aw, that one is terrible, but no need to think about this one, The Big Bang wins.”  
  
Fitz planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek and took his cards. He drew a black one and read, “Daddy, why is Mommy crying?” While waiting for the cards to come in he cracked open another bottle of beer for himself and Jemma, setting their empties to the side.  
  
“Court-ordered rehab. Menstrual rage. A lifetime of sadness. Genuine human connection. Barack Obama. Or, Poorly timed Holocaust jokes. Right then. So many reasons to cry. Um, poorly times Holocaust jokes has got to be the worst.”  
  
“Jemma Simmons!” Skye’s eyes widened in surprise when Jemma collected her card.  
  
“It’s always the ones you least expect,” Trip grinned.  
  
“I thought the saying was it’s always the quiet ones?” Mack piped in.  
  
“Oi, you don't bunk next to her. Nothing quiet about it,” Lance blurted out.  
  
FitzSimmons simultaneously turned bright red and Lance received a sharp elbow to his gut complements of Bobbi. He let out a small wheeze and picked up a card to read, “Why do I hurt all over? Aside from my ex-wife kicking my ass,” he mumbled the last part under his breath.  
  
Picking up the cards that were tossed his way he read, “A brain tumor. Coming early and often. Prancing,” he paused. “Prancing?” shaking his head he continued, “Dying. Poor life choices. And being a motherfucking sorcerer. Well, I guess dying would probably make you hurt all over so I choose that. But really, what is prancing?”  
  
Mack collected his card, “Ask Bobbi to show you sometime.”  
  
“Oh, but you prance so much better than I do Mack,” she leveled back and plucked up a card.  
  
Mack held up his hands in mock surrender as she read her card, “What will I bring back in time to convince people that I am a powerful wizard?”  
  
Cards were quickly placed in front of her. “Arnold Schwarzenegger. Natural male enhancement. Christopher Walken. A bag of magic beans. Lance Armstrong’s missing testicle. Or a micro pig wearing a tiny raincoat and booties. Well, I would be most impressed with a micropig,” she offered the winning card up to the group.  
  
“About bloody time I win a round,” Lance took his card.  
  
Trip grabbed a handful of popcorn and read off the next card, “It’s a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with blank.”  
  
He munched on his snack and waited for the cards to be played. “Alright,” he gathered them up, “let’s see what we have. Farting and walking away. Woman in yogurt commercials. Elderly Japanese men. The three-fifths compromise. Justin Bieber. And my sex life. Justin Bieber rings too true.”  
  
“Kids these days,” Skye claimed her card with a grin.  
  
“That’s right, I killed blank. How you ask? Blank?” Mack read his card and while he was waiting for cards to drop, he gathered up the nearby empty bottles and shifted them to the table behind them to give them more room.  
  
“Alright, lets see what we have. “That’s right, I killed Aaron Burr. How you ask? Poopy diapers. Killed Ronald Reagan with a mopey zoo lion. Killed a robust mongoloid with multiple stab wounds. Killed The Hamburglar with friendly fire. Killed a monkey smoking a cigar with advice from a wise, old black man. Or killed a sassy black woman with a bitch slap. I guess this game shows that some are better at murder than others…gotta go with death by bitch slap though.”  
  
Jemma collected her winning card and a new game card and then curled back into Fitz.  
  
“You think you know someone,” Skye teased.  
  
“Jem could kill someone fifty different ways without even having to get her hands dirty,” Fitz said proudly.  
  
“Not sure that’s something to be proud of there Turbo,” Mack smirked.  
  
Jemma covered Fitz’s mouth with her hand before he could continue. Fitz countered her move by licking her palm.  
  
“My boyfriend is a child,” she groaned. “Introducing X-Treme Baseball! It’s like regular baseball but with blank.” She stole Fitz’s beer while she waited since her own was empty.  
  
“Ok,” she gathered the cards a few moments later. “It’s like regular baseball but with men. Ha, nice one! But with Morgan Freeman’s voice. But with overcompensation. But with thermonuclear detonation.”  
  
“Everyone go home, Fitz wins this round,” Skye laughed and slid two beers across the table towards them.  
  
“But with one trillion dollars,” Jemma continued, ignoring her friend. “Or, but with land mines. Oh, that would be fun. But Skye is correct, if thermonuclear detonation was your card, you win.”  
  
Fitz happily accepted his card and a congratulatory kiss. “Blank. That’s how I want to die,” he read.  
  
Cards quickly flew in his direction. “The female orgasm. Jerking off into a pool of children’s tears. Taking off your shirt. All you can eat shrimp for 4.99. Sex with Patrick Stewart. Or, being a dick to children. Hmm, well while all you can eat shrimp for 4.99 will almost most certainly kill you, and I’m sure that you,” he paused turning to Jemma, “would prefer to go another way, I would love to go talking off your shirt.”  
  
“Aww, Fitz,” Jemma giggled, leaning closer to him.  
  
“Hey now, lets keep it PG til you’re alone please,” Trip playfully warned.  
  
“Really, do we have to split you two up? I’m not entirely convinced you aren’t somehow cheating,” Bobbi eyed them.  
  
Fitz handed Jemma her black card but when they heard Bobbi’s words they quickly grabbed onto each other, “No!” Fitz exclaimed.  
  
“We would never!” Jemma was aghast.  
  
Skye started cracking up, causing the rest of the team to burst into laughter too, “Did you see the looks on their faces? It was hilarious! Bobbi, I think they are too drunk to know when they are being messed with now.”  
  
Bobbi looked at the collection of empties near them, “I think you’re right! But just in case, here’s another one for when you’re done with those,” she slid two more bottles their way.  
  
Fitz shrugged, exchanged a look with Jemma and in unison they both finished their beer and opened the fresh one.  
  
Lance looked at them and then to Skye, “Psychically linked,” he mouthed and then drew his card. Aloud he read, “In M. Night Shyamalan’s new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that blank had really been blank all along.”  
  
Jemma giggled as she quickly placed two cards down and Lance wondered just what he was in for when the two science nerds got drunk. He didn’t have time to wonder long before all the cards were down.  
  
“In M. Night Shyamalan’s new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that children on leashes had really been child abuse all along. Being on fire had really been spontaneous human combustion all along,” he continued on, trying to ignore FitzSimmon’s laughing into the beers, “William Shatner had really been self-loathing all along. Necrophilia had really been exactly what you’d expect all along. David Bowie flying in on a tiger made of lightning had really been Kayne West all along. Or African children had really been preteens all along. Necrophilia man, the plot twist that wasn’t”  
  
“Yeah buddy!” Skye crowed and took her card.  
  
“Nice one girl,” Trip saluted her with his beer.  
  
Bobbi drew a card next, “Originally, the 50th anniversary special was going to have blank appear, but the BBC decided against it in the end.”  
  
She picked at her label while she waited, “My inner demons. Bees? The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir. My relationship status. Dying of dysentery. Or, Hurricane Katrina. Mormom Choir…I would love to see The Doctor’s reaction to that.”  
  
“I thought the same,” Trip added the black card to his small pile and read off the next card, “I get by with a little help from blank.”  
  
Jemma giggled and showed a blushing Fitz a card before playing it.  
  
“Don’t think we didn't all see that Simmons,” Skye smirked.  
  
“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Jemma tried to make herself look innocent, but the flush on her cheeks and the slower pattern of speech than normal did nothing to help her case.  
  
“I’ll bet,” Trip shook his head and then began to read the cards, “ I get by with a little help from sunshine and rainbows. Alcoholism. Vigilante justice. The Holy Bible. Ghandi. Or, anal beads. Aw hell, alcoholism helps everyone get by!”  
  
“It sure does,” Lance agreed, taking his card, “But I gotta ask Simmons, what is so funny about sunshine and rainbows?”  
  
Jemma sleepily tucked her face into Fitz’s arms, attempting to hide from her teammates curious stares.  
  
“That wasn't her card,” Fitz said smugly.  
  
“Oh,” Bobbi said. Then after a beat, “Oh!”  
  
“I’m not saying a word,” Skye picked up a new card, “What’s there a ton of in heaven?”  
  
She finished the last bit of her beer and began to read off the options, “Amputees. Racism. Heteronormativity. Drinking alone. Natural selection. Or Harry Potter erotica. Wow, heaven is a fun place with you bunch! I guess Harry Potter erotica would spice it up. Which one of you nerds played it?”  
  
Jemma weakly waved her arm and Skye passed the card her way, Fitz adding it to Jemma’s stash.  
  
“Alright, we are quickly losing Simmons over there, and she won anyway,” Skye motioned to where the biochemist was half asleep, draped over Fitz. “What do you say we play the haiku card and call it a night?”  
  
Everyone nodded and began to examine their cards.  
  
“Fitz, help?” Jemma pouted and held her deck out to him.  
  
Fitz took her cards and let her lay her head back down on his lap.  
  
“Who is doing the honors of the dramatic read?” Bobbi set her hand down after Lance.  
  
Skye looked to Mack and then Trip, but they just stared back at her, “Oh come on, neither of you will do the deep dramatic reading?”  
  
“Girl, it’s all you,” Trip motioned to the cards.  
  
“Fine.” Skye huffed, “but I’m not on clean up duty tonight.”  
  
“I’m all over that,” Trip agreed.  
  
“Good, ok here goes,” Skye cleared her throat. “Peeing a little bit, winking at old people, switching to Geico. Half-assed foreplay, saying ‘I love you’, extremely tight pants. A sea of troubles, teaching a robot to love, my ex-wife. Oh you’re gunna pay that one buddy,” Skye looked to Lance who Bobbi currently had in a death stare.  
  
“Getting back to the game,” Lance motioned.  
  
“Right, Five Dollar Foot-long, binging and purging, the American Dream. Vehicular Manslaughter, a disappointing birthday party, a windmill full of corpses. The profoundly handicapped, battlefield amputations, being fabulous. And, the Care Bear Stare, civilian casualties, heartwarming orphans,” Skye finished her dramatic reading and then gathered the cards to dump back into the box.  
  
“Well, I have to say, after tonight, I am proud to call you all my teammates and friends,” Mack declared, standing up and stretching.  
  
“Here here,” Lance agreed.  
  
“Good game,” Fitz slid out from under Jemma, “we are calling it a night,” he tugged Jemma into a sitting position.  
  
“I was comfy there,” Jemma looked at him through hooded eyes.  
  
“Bed will be much more comfy,” he reasoned.  
  
“Mmmm, ok,” she agreed, her eyes suddenly brightening as she climbed up onto the couch and practically tackled him.  
  
Fitz quickly caught his balance as Jemma wrapped her limbs around his torso. “Goodnight guys,” he called over his shoulder as he began to head to the bunks. “Say goodnight Jemma.”  
  
“Goodnight Jemma!” Jemma called with a giggle.  
  
“I have a feeling they will be having a good night. But Jemma maybe not so much of a good morning,” Bobbi smirked, “But this was fun, until next time,” she fist bumped Mack and then headed towards her own bunk.  
  
“See you in the morning boys!” Skye grabbed a water bottle and disappeared down the hall.  
  
The guys made quick work of putting the game away, disposing of the empties and wiping the table down before they too went their separate ways.  
  
  
XXXX  
  
  
Lance was just drifting off to sleep when he heard a knock on his bunk door.  
  
“Oi,” he called.  
  
“Hunter it’s me,” Bobbi whispered.  
  
“It’s open.”  
  
Bobbi slid his door open and slipped into the room, “Can I bunk with you tonight?” she pleaded.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Well, you may bunk next to Simmons but I bunk next to Fitz, and you’re right. Anything but quiet. Especially when she is drunk.”  
  
Lance chuckled, “Does this mean I’m forgiven for the robot haiku you accused me of playing?”  
  
“Eh, it wasn't your hand,” she shrugged.  
  
“I knew that, the question is how did you know that?”  
  
“It was my hand,” she rolled her eyes, “Now are you going to move over or what?”  
  
Lance gaped at her momentarily but then flipped back his sheets and slid over allowing her in. “Honestly, and people thought I exaggerated stories,” he mused.  
  
“Shut up Lance,” Bobbi rolled over, planted a kiss on his lips and then dropped back to the pillow, promptly falling asleep.  
  
“I love a demonic hell beast,” he muttered before he too drifted off.  
  
  
XXXX  
  
  
“Leooooo, where are you going?”  
  
Fitz leaned down and brushed a strand of hair back from her sweaty forehead, “Just getting some water.”  
  
“Kay, hurry back, it’s cold without you,” Jemma burrowed herself under the covers.  
  
Fitz smiled and quickly grabbed two bottles of water that he placed on his desk earlier, along with a bottle of aspirin that he knew would be needed come morning and then slid back into bed behind her, his still heated skin warming her chilling flesh.  
  
“Goodnight Jem,” he nuzzled her neck.  
  
“Night. Hey Fitz? Do you think we can get one of those vibrating sonic screwdrivers?” she mumbled.  
  
Fitz stifled his laughter, “I don’t think that is an actual thing Baby Girl.”  
  
“But you could make one, couldn't you?”  
  
“Yeah, I could make one.”  
  
“Love you Dr. Fitzy,” she blindly reached out to pat his cheek.  
  
He tightened his arms around her, “Love you too.”  
  
  
~Fini!~

**Author's Note:**

> Most rounds I did have a card in mind for each player if you want to take any guesses or have a burning to desire to know who may have played a certain card just let me know! ;) And I am contemplating a sequel…


End file.
